Ready to move on?

So, the dreaded date is almost here. That's right, i'm due to begin the next and final part of my Year Abroad. In a little over two weeks time, i'll be living la vie francaise. But here's the thing, i'm absolutely terrified. What of? Well, it's quite hard to explain. I'm going to be conducting wine-tasting tours in a 'cave' (French for, in this case, wine cellar) in what will hopefully be sunny Burgundy. The cave is situated next door to a beautiful chateau in a small village, nearby to Dijon. What's not to be excited about?! Well, the problem is, even after all this time, i still don't feel ready. That sounds silly and more than a little pathetic. Some thirty months or so ago, when i moved away to University, i couldn't wait. Finally, the chance to be properly independent, live away from home (just like a grown-up!), explore a new city, meet new people, etc. And now here i am, 21 years old, and despite having lived for two years in Nottingham, and then four months or so in Germany, the thought of having to leave home, my safehaven for the past five weeks or so, now scares me to the core. Told you it was silly!

Well part of the problem, infact a lot of the problem i reckon, is that i don't feel like i'm over all the stress of Germany. It's almost as if i desperately want to get on with my life, but my mind wont let me. Whilst i'm occupied, or 'busy' doing things with other people i'm fine. But the minute i'm alone, or someone asks me about France and when i'm leaving, i get all upset and start tearing up - even in Pizza Hut of all places!

Now, i'm aware that everything that happened is long since over, that i have nothing to worry about, and that i should be concentrating on my upcoming placement. So why can't i shake off the feeling that i'm just incapable of doing anything at the moment?!?

My Dad would call it feeling sorry for myself. He'd tell me i have to move on and get on with everything. It's not like i deliberately choose to feel bad. More than anything, i'm hoping and praying that i'll love every minute of France, that my spoken French will come on in leaps and bounds (having not done French since exam time last year i'm a little rusty), and that i'll come home for the summer feeling like i've accomplished something. I want to be able to go into my final year of Uni confident that i can graduate with an amazing degree. Not only that, i don't want to stop enjoying studying languages - and not just cause it's the only thing i'm good at!

Anyway, i've been doing a bit of research during my 'recovery time'. Having left Germany, i suddenly got a feeling one day that i wasn't so sure i wanted to go into teaching anymore, or at least, not straightaway. I'd originally planned a year off studying once i'd graduated, and then i was going to do my P.G.C.E, get a teaching job in a Primary School, and i'd be sorted right? Wrong. I know life isn't a fairytale. It doesn't end with a happily ever after, or not always anyway! I know everyone goes through struggles and suffering and problems at some point.

This change of heart however, led to me looking at all of the different Postgrad courses out there. I found some amazing sounding ones, such as Speech Therapy, and other linguistic / language-related options. The problem with most being my lack of Sciencey-type qualifications. Well nevermind. I kept looking, and then stumbled across a Publishing course. A few Google searches and a bit of thinking-time later, i'd decided it sounded really interesting and appealing. What's more, i'd looked into all of the different types of job it would qualify me for, and found that the position of Copy-Editor would be right up my street. I'd get to read, a lot! for my job! Not only that, but i'd be responsible for correcting spelling and grammatical errors - it's a bad habit i've developed, probably thanks to a certain A Level German teacher, for whom grammatical precision was absolutely crucial. You never know, her OCD may very well get me what looks to be at the moment, my 'Dream Job'.

I've not totally given up on the idea of teaching. Both my time in Germany, and the few days i've spent at my old Primary School since returning home, have proven that i don't turn into a bumbling, quivering wreck when faced with having to teach a classroom of 30 or so children. My love of little ones only serves to reinforce that i will probably go into teaching at some point in my life. I've never been much good at sticking with things though - swimming lessons, dancing lessons, clarinet lessons, you name it! Like most people, my answer to the question 'and what do you think you'll do when you're older?' has changed more times than i've had hot dinners. Well, that's a slight exaggeration, but you get the picture. I've kind of always known i wanted to be a teacher, though the age of the pupils and the subject have altered over the years. Looking back, studying languages has probably been the thing i've kept up the longest. So yes, i'll no doubt become a teacher one day in the distant future, but until then, i think it might be fun to try something different for a few years.

Having re-read what i've written here, i really should learn to stop writing rambly essays! On a more serious note, i can easily see it's not all doom and gloom. There's lots to look forward to in the future, despite the stepping stones i have to cross to reach my end goal. So brain, small request from me ... please give me a much more positive outlook, preferably before and during my time in France! Merci beaucoup.