Okay, so i've been in the very sleepy village of Chambolle Musigny for almost eleven days now. That's right, eleven!!! Finally had the time to install the dongle that dad bought for me, cause, being rural France, there is of course no internet.
What can i say, it's been such an emotional time since i arrived. Everyone is friendly enough, and Chambolle and the surrounding villages are very pretty, but i am definitely not cut out for such long working hours. It wouldn't be so bad if i were comfortable with the work, knew anything about wine, and could speak french courrament (fluently). Alas no can do.
One thing i have learnt this year, is that i am a homebird. I am never, repeat NEVER living or working abroad once this is all over. I've come to the decision that i am so fed up of languages - the mere thought of having to complete yet another year at university before i have graduated fills me with dread. I guess i'm just not cut out for this at all.
My parents most likely think i am ungrateful. Goodness knows most people would love this opportunity that i have been given. I however, just don't think it's for me at all. I'm in the tiniest of french villages, surrounded by only french people. I've had to speak french from the moment i've woken up until the moment i've gone to bed since the day i started work, and let me tell you that is beyond tiring. Add to that the most enormous feeling of homesickness, and you're left with one very unhappy, tear-streaked faced Abi.
I don't mean to constantly moan on here, even though it looks that that's all i've done in every post.
It's not all bad i guess... my family are coming to visit in 6 weeks time, and then my lovely boyfriend shortly afterwards. I have those things to look forward to. But, quite frankly, the 30th June cannot come fast enough for me. I really really wish, more than anything else i've ever wished for, that i could come home right now.
Mum, if you're reading this, i know we keep talking about it, and i know you all want me to stay here and finish, but i don't think i can cope for much longer. This is the hardest thing i've ever had to do in my life. I'm not saying i'm workshy, cause i know i work damn hard, and i always give 100% in everything i do. But please, i genuinely have had enough. This is just that bit too hard for me. It's definitely all way too soon after Germany. I need to be home. Please. xx
Sunday 20 March 2011
Thursday 3 March 2011
Confessions of a nutter
Symptoms: the inability to prevent my eyes from leaking (i.e. lots and lots of crying), not very much sleep, many headaches, tightness of the chest, mood swings and the big one... HORMONES (well, i'm a woman. We're allowed to blame everything on them!)
Diagnosis: majorly stressed
Remedy: endless Glee episodes, a bag of pick 'n' mix, and/or Ben and Jerry's (the frozen yoghurt one, so it's healthy-ish). Or, more seriously, a really long walk and talk with mum. Well, she did most of the talking, i merely ambled alongside her weeping uncontrollably and making those pathetic noises that everyone does when they're trying to talk whilst crying - so not a pretty sight, let me assure you.
Yep you guessed it, another slightly depressing read of a blog-post.
It's been an emotional last couple of days, despite the scheduled taking of Kalms tablets. It saddened me even more to hear that they can only be taken three times a day. What's more, 'after food'. How silly is that?! It's not like you can choose specific times of day at which to feel most stressed. I've just finished eating so now i can feel stressed again cause i'm allowed to take the tablets. Honestly, i've never heard of anything so ridiculous in my life!
I just wish i knew what was causing it all though. It's like i've taken a step backwards... I'll be okay-ish, and then suddenly i'll start to feel really really panicky, my chest tightens, i struggle with my breathing and then inevitably, the tears start cursing down my cheeks - admit me to a psycho ward now! It's just so weird. Obviously, i don't choose to feel crap, and i certainly don't enjoy it. The random times at which this has all occurred over the last few days remain inexplicable. Absolutely nothing had happened beforehand to cause it. I'd just be sat, or stood, and it would happen. Weird or what?
I just feel like i've regressed to childhood. I'm fine when people are with me, but once i'm alone, i can't bear it. Maybe it's cause i have too much thinking time when i'm on my own. I just feel so silly and pathetic. Almost like a little girl who needs to hold Mummy's hand to keep her safe.
No amount of positive thinking has helped. And believe me, i have tried so hard. It's like i'm stuck in this huge black hole that no-one or nothing can pull me out of. This cannot go on. More than anything, i want to be my old giggly, happy self instead of this stressed-out on occasion, depressive psycho i appear to have turned into. I'm pretty sure everyone is getting fed up of my constant mood swings and this seemingly never-ending feeling of hopelessness and helplessness.
You know it's bad when going out to Tesco's feels like an accomplishment. When getting dressed instead of lounging around in jimjams all day feels like you've made an effort. When getting one decent night's sleep a week feels like heaven.
What on earth am i going to do next week when i have to leave home and get on with the rest of my life. At the moment, i just feel so incapable. It makes no sense. I have so many amazing people, and good things going on in my life. So why do i feel like this??? Suggestions welcomed. xx
Diagnosis: majorly stressed
Remedy: endless Glee episodes, a bag of pick 'n' mix, and/or Ben and Jerry's (the frozen yoghurt one, so it's healthy-ish). Or, more seriously, a really long walk and talk with mum. Well, she did most of the talking, i merely ambled alongside her weeping uncontrollably and making those pathetic noises that everyone does when they're trying to talk whilst crying - so not a pretty sight, let me assure you.
Yep you guessed it, another slightly depressing read of a blog-post.
It's been an emotional last couple of days, despite the scheduled taking of Kalms tablets. It saddened me even more to hear that they can only be taken three times a day. What's more, 'after food'. How silly is that?! It's not like you can choose specific times of day at which to feel most stressed. I've just finished eating so now i can feel stressed again cause i'm allowed to take the tablets. Honestly, i've never heard of anything so ridiculous in my life!
I just wish i knew what was causing it all though. It's like i've taken a step backwards... I'll be okay-ish, and then suddenly i'll start to feel really really panicky, my chest tightens, i struggle with my breathing and then inevitably, the tears start cursing down my cheeks - admit me to a psycho ward now! It's just so weird. Obviously, i don't choose to feel crap, and i certainly don't enjoy it. The random times at which this has all occurred over the last few days remain inexplicable. Absolutely nothing had happened beforehand to cause it. I'd just be sat, or stood, and it would happen. Weird or what?
I just feel like i've regressed to childhood. I'm fine when people are with me, but once i'm alone, i can't bear it. Maybe it's cause i have too much thinking time when i'm on my own. I just feel so silly and pathetic. Almost like a little girl who needs to hold Mummy's hand to keep her safe.
No amount of positive thinking has helped. And believe me, i have tried so hard. It's like i'm stuck in this huge black hole that no-one or nothing can pull me out of. This cannot go on. More than anything, i want to be my old giggly, happy self instead of this stressed-out on occasion, depressive psycho i appear to have turned into. I'm pretty sure everyone is getting fed up of my constant mood swings and this seemingly never-ending feeling of hopelessness and helplessness.
You know it's bad when going out to Tesco's feels like an accomplishment. When getting dressed instead of lounging around in jimjams all day feels like you've made an effort. When getting one decent night's sleep a week feels like heaven.
What on earth am i going to do next week when i have to leave home and get on with the rest of my life. At the moment, i just feel so incapable. It makes no sense. I have so many amazing people, and good things going on in my life. So why do i feel like this??? Suggestions welcomed. xx
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