Almost there...

Okay so it's been a while since i last wrote anything on here. I have a few valid excuses for that though. The first one being of course that until a few days ago i didn't have what you'd call proper functioning internet. As you can imagine, being stuck in the smallest village known to man, with no internet and not really much else to do, it's been a bit of a miserable life. Which brings me nicely onto my second reason - anything i'd have written would have had people running to the bathroom to find summat sharp to slit their wrists with. Okay maybe i'm exaggerating a lot there, but in all honesty, it wouldn't have been a happy read.

 I have 3 weeks left here now - yes time is still going that slowly! I guess it's not really long now til i come home, but in a lot of ways, it still feels like aaaaaages :-(

 I suppose it's not all been awful. My family came to visit at the start of May and i have to say that was the happiest week of my life since moving to France. By the time of their visit i was much less of an emotional wreck, thank goodness, and ready to smile a bit. That's another problem with being here, you don't get enough opportunities to have fun, to smile and laugh. Life is very monotonous, an endless drudge from one day to the next until they start to merge into eachother and form one ongoing bore.

 Luckily i came prepared with plenty of books and DVDs. Even they had to be topped up regularly, thanks to Mum and Greg. Goodness knows what i'd have done without any form of diversion.

 I've decided to break with tradition and write a much shorter blog entry this time. I don't want to bore anyone and to be honest, i've had enough of feeling so miserable. I know good things are on their way, and i'm trying to be positive for the remainder of my time here.

 Before i do go though, i just want to thank the one person who's been there for me every single day of this horrendous experience- Greg. I don't know what i'd have done without you. It feels like so much longer than 3 months. You've texted me, phoned me, written to me, sent me magazines, cheered me up, made me laugh. I know how hard it's been for you to deal with me. I've not been the easiest person to talk to. Not many guys would have stuck around. So thank you babe. I'm looking forward so much to seeing you again. Love you lots!

 And as promised, here endeth this entry :-)

La belle France???

Okay, so i've been in the very sleepy village of Chambolle Musigny for almost eleven days now. That's right, eleven!!! Finally had the time to install the dongle that dad bought for me, cause, being rural France, there is of course no internet.

What can i say, it's been such an emotional time since i arrived. Everyone is friendly enough, and Chambolle and the surrounding villages are very pretty, but i am definitely not cut out for such long working hours. It wouldn't be so bad if i were comfortable with the work, knew anything about wine, and could speak french courrament (fluently). Alas no can do.

One thing i have learnt this year, is that i am a homebird. I am never, repeat NEVER living or working abroad once this is all over. I've come to the decision that i am so fed up of languages - the mere thought of having to complete yet another year at university before i have graduated fills me with dread. I guess i'm just not cut out for this at all.

My parents most likely think i am ungrateful. Goodness knows most people would love this opportunity that i have been given. I however, just don't think it's for me at all. I'm in the tiniest of french villages, surrounded by only french people. I've had to speak french from the moment i've woken up until the moment i've gone to bed since the day i started work, and let me tell you that is beyond tiring. Add to that the most enormous feeling of homesickness, and you're left with one very unhappy, tear-streaked faced Abi.

I don't mean to constantly moan on here, even though it looks that that's all i've done in every post.

It's not all bad i guess... my family are coming to visit in 6 weeks time, and then my lovely boyfriend shortly afterwards. I have those things to look forward to. But, quite frankly, the 30th June cannot come fast enough for me. I really really wish, more than anything else i've ever wished for, that i could come home right now.

Mum, if you're reading this, i know we keep talking about it, and i know you all want me to stay here and finish, but i don't think i can cope for much longer. This is the hardest thing i've ever had to do in my life. I'm not saying i'm workshy, cause i know i work damn hard, and i always give 100% in everything i do. But please, i genuinely have had enough. This is just that bit too hard for me. It's definitely all way too soon after Germany. I need to be home. Please. xx

Confessions of a nutter

Symptoms: the inability to prevent my eyes from leaking (i.e. lots and lots of crying), not very much sleep, many headaches, tightness of the chest, mood swings and the big one... HORMONES (well, i'm a woman. We're allowed to blame everything on them!)

Diagnosis: majorly stressed

Remedy: endless Glee episodes, a bag of pick 'n' mix, and/or Ben and Jerry's (the frozen yoghurt one, so it's healthy-ish). Or, more seriously, a really long walk and talk with mum. Well, she did most of the talking, i merely ambled alongside her weeping uncontrollably and making those pathetic noises that everyone does when they're trying to talk whilst crying - so not a pretty sight, let me assure you.

Yep you guessed it, another slightly depressing read of a blog-post.

It's been an emotional last couple of days, despite the scheduled taking of Kalms tablets. It saddened me even more to hear that they can only be taken three times a day. What's more, 'after food'. How silly is that?! It's not like you can choose specific times of day at which to feel most stressed. I've just finished eating so now i can feel stressed again cause i'm allowed to take the tablets. Honestly, i've never heard of anything so ridiculous in my life!

I just wish i knew what was causing it all though. It's like i've taken a step backwards... I'll be okay-ish, and then suddenly i'll start to feel really really panicky, my chest tightens, i struggle with my breathing and then inevitably, the tears start cursing down my cheeks - admit me to a psycho ward now! It's just so weird. Obviously, i don't choose to feel crap, and i certainly don't enjoy it. The random times at which this has all occurred over the last few days remain inexplicable. Absolutely nothing had happened beforehand to cause it. I'd just be sat, or stood, and it would happen. Weird or what?

I just feel like i've regressed to childhood. I'm fine when people are with me, but once i'm alone, i can't bear it. Maybe it's cause i have too much thinking time when i'm on my own. I just feel so silly and pathetic. Almost like a little girl who needs to hold Mummy's hand to keep her safe.

No amount of positive thinking has helped. And believe me, i have tried so hard. It's like i'm stuck in this huge black hole that no-one or nothing can pull me out of. This cannot go on. More than anything, i want to be my old giggly, happy self instead of this stressed-out on occasion, depressive psycho i appear to have turned into. I'm pretty sure everyone is getting fed up of my constant mood swings and this seemingly never-ending feeling of hopelessness and helplessness.

You know it's bad when going out to Tesco's feels like an accomplishment. When getting dressed instead of lounging around in jimjams all day feels like you've made an effort. When getting one decent night's sleep a week feels like heaven.

What on earth am i going to do next week when i have to leave home and get on with the rest of my life. At the moment, i just feel so incapable. It makes no sense. I have so many amazing people, and good things going on in my life. So why do i feel like this??? Suggestions welcomed. xx

Ready to move on?

So, the dreaded date is almost here. That's right, i'm due to begin the next and final part of my Year Abroad. In a little over two weeks time, i'll be living la vie francaise. But here's the thing, i'm absolutely terrified. What of? Well, it's quite hard to explain. I'm going to be conducting wine-tasting tours in a 'cave' (French for, in this case, wine cellar) in what will hopefully be sunny Burgundy. The cave is situated next door to a beautiful chateau in a small village, nearby to Dijon. What's not to be excited about?! Well, the problem is, even after all this time, i still don't feel ready. That sounds silly and more than a little pathetic. Some thirty months or so ago, when i moved away to University, i couldn't wait. Finally, the chance to be properly independent, live away from home (just like a grown-up!), explore a new city, meet new people, etc. And now here i am, 21 years old, and despite having lived for two years in Nottingham, and then four months or so in Germany, the thought of having to leave home, my safehaven for the past five weeks or so, now scares me to the core. Told you it was silly!

Well part of the problem, infact a lot of the problem i reckon, is that i don't feel like i'm over all the stress of Germany. It's almost as if i desperately want to get on with my life, but my mind wont let me. Whilst i'm occupied, or 'busy' doing things with other people i'm fine. But the minute i'm alone, or someone asks me about France and when i'm leaving, i get all upset and start tearing up - even in Pizza Hut of all places!

Now, i'm aware that everything that happened is long since over, that i have nothing to worry about, and that i should be concentrating on my upcoming placement. So why can't i shake off the feeling that i'm just incapable of doing anything at the moment?!?

My Dad would call it feeling sorry for myself. He'd tell me i have to move on and get on with everything. It's not like i deliberately choose to feel bad. More than anything, i'm hoping and praying that i'll love every minute of France, that my spoken French will come on in leaps and bounds (having not done French since exam time last year i'm a little rusty), and that i'll come home for the summer feeling like i've accomplished something. I want to be able to go into my final year of Uni confident that i can graduate with an amazing degree. Not only that, i don't want to stop enjoying studying languages - and not just cause it's the only thing i'm good at!

Anyway, i've been doing a bit of research during my 'recovery time'. Having left Germany, i suddenly got a feeling one day that i wasn't so sure i wanted to go into teaching anymore, or at least, not straightaway. I'd originally planned a year off studying once i'd graduated, and then i was going to do my P.G.C.E, get a teaching job in a Primary School, and i'd be sorted right? Wrong. I know life isn't a fairytale. It doesn't end with a happily ever after, or not always anyway! I know everyone goes through struggles and suffering and problems at some point.

This change of heart however, led to me looking at all of the different Postgrad courses out there. I found some amazing sounding ones, such as Speech Therapy, and other linguistic / language-related options. The problem with most being my lack of Sciencey-type qualifications. Well nevermind. I kept looking, and then stumbled across a Publishing course. A few Google searches and a bit of thinking-time later, i'd decided it sounded really interesting and appealing. What's more, i'd looked into all of the different types of job it would qualify me for, and found that the position of Copy-Editor would be right up my street. I'd get to read, a lot! for my job! Not only that, but i'd be responsible for correcting spelling and grammatical errors - it's a bad habit i've developed, probably thanks to a certain A Level German teacher, for whom grammatical precision was absolutely crucial. You never know, her OCD may very well get me what looks to be at the moment, my 'Dream Job'.

I've not totally given up on the idea of teaching. Both my time in Germany, and the few days i've spent at my old Primary School since returning home, have proven that i don't turn into a bumbling, quivering wreck when faced with having to teach a classroom of 30 or so children. My love of little ones only serves to reinforce that i will probably go into teaching at some point in my life. I've never been much good at sticking with things though - swimming lessons, dancing lessons, clarinet lessons, you name it! Like most people, my answer to the question 'and what do you think you'll do when you're older?' has changed more times than i've had hot dinners. Well, that's a slight exaggeration, but you get the picture. I've kind of always known i wanted to be a teacher, though the age of the pupils and the subject have altered over the years. Looking back, studying languages has probably been the thing i've kept up the longest. So yes, i'll no doubt become a teacher one day in the distant future, but until then, i think it might be fun to try something different for a few years.

Having re-read what i've written here, i really should learn to stop writing rambly essays! On a more serious note, i can easily see it's not all doom and gloom. There's lots to look forward to in the future, despite the stepping stones i have to cross to reach my end goal. So brain, small request from me ... please give me a much more positive outlook, preferably before and during my time in France! Merci beaucoup.

Jumpin' on the bandwagon

Okay, so this is something i've wanted to do for a while now. I didn't really want it to be seen as 'copying' anyone, as i'm aware how many of my friends also have a blog. Apologies for being predictable and jumpin' on the bandwagon. Here goes...

Due to unforseen circumstances (of which plenty of people are aware), my time in Germany came to a somewhat abrupt end at the beginning of January. Since then, my days have been spent eating (food is a very important part of my life), facebooking (what can i say, i'm a student), spending time with my lovely boyfriend and my family, visiting Vicky, watching the occasional episode of Neighbours and many an episode of Glee, Coronation Street, Waterloo Road, Come Dine With Me (basically, rubbish TV, in my mum's words), reading book after book (yep trashy chick-lit), completing my Abschlussbericht about my time in Deutschland, Hamburger region, helping to teach French and German at my old Primary School (okay so i've only been in once so far), and doing the odd bit of cleaning/ironing/washing-up (delete as appropriate!).

My nights on the other hand, have tended to be the complete opposite. Having turned into a bit of a cross between an insomniac and a narcoleptic since starting university, you could say i've 'struggled' to sleep. This is probably an understatement. Sure, i've managed some blissful 9 hours on occasion, but, as is the case for many i'm sure, my brain suddenly decides to turn itself on as soon as my head hits the pillow. Thanks a lot brain!

Those nearest and dearest to me know that i'm a born worrier. I seem to have taken it to the extreme since my return. I'll just add now, i cannot help this. It's the way i am, and the way i have been for as long as i can remember. Sometimes, when i'm surrounded by friends or family for instance, i'm easily distracted from this. Other times, such as when i'm on a commuter-filled train, i indulge in a bit of people-watching (doesn't everyone?). I look at the person sat opposite me, or to my right, and wonder, what is their life like? where have they just come from? where are they going to? do they have a wife/husband and kids waiting for them at home? what do they get up to at the weekends? what do they think of their life? Sad? maybe; perfect at taking my mind off my own worries? yes siree.

Where was i before i got mildy sidetracked? Ah yus. Well, my 'time off' is shortly coming to an end. In just over three weeks time i shall be making my way to la belle france. Goodness only knows how horrendously bad my french will be, having not really been in that frame of mind since oooh exam time last summer. Ooops! Here's hoping i can remember enough so that Madame doesn't think i'm completely hopeless...

Well, that's your lot for now. My sincerest apologies for sounding rather depressed and, for want of a better word, 'moaning'. I'm usually perfectly content. I'd even go so far as to say, a lot giddy. But everyone likes a good grumble now and again, don't they? :p